I was raised by a Bi-Polar drug addict Dad who had a short temper and sped with us in the car with only his knee. He only ever hit me once, but the guilt of having a short temper made him feel the need to spoil us & be the “cool” parent instead of a good parent. I was fine with the way he said he was sorry for being kind of a piece of shit. My mom was different, she raised us in a dictator-like fashion, expecting me to fit exactly with her expectations, be modest, and have well-behaved qualities. But, she chose my Dad with his bad mental illness & habit of causing drama and trauma, so I don’t know what she expected. Only one of 3 kids ended up healthy physically and mentally, but being the only stable one causes its own problems. Attention was always drawn toward the 2 other kids acting out their pain as trouble-makers with expensive demands from Dad to just be somewhat stable. My dad was around until my teen years, but it was long before they split up that the hat man visited me in my sleep regularly.
I remember him showing up around the age of 3 until I was 9 and he was always playing hide & seek with me. Every time I saw him, he’d just stand in the doorway. Little me always ran and hid behind a random couch, in a room I didn’t even recognize and could only wish and dream I’d ever had enough money to live in. He visited me 3-4 times between the ages of 3-9. I wet the bed until I was 9.
I’m locked & loaded with ADHD, Bi-Polar, & BPD: the trifecta of a living hell. I don’t know what I did to deserve this in my past life, but the Hell I live in real life seemed on theme with my Hat Man dreams so for some reason, I’d feel safe with The Hat Man. I don’t know why he came, maybe because my bad emotions & traumas exceeded what I could handle & he visits me to feed off my bad vibes because they help him but are overflowing within me. I have no idea why he felt safe to me… I can’t imagine why. When it comes to bad vibes, my trifecta of mental illnesses are mass producers of negative mental energy and bad vibes. If I ever run low, I harvest some more before they wrap my mind up like a house in their vine-like qualities. If I focus on harvesting my endless traumas and memories of suffering daily, I can usually process & eliminate some of the problems. But everyone who I’ve let close to me, says “being your friend traumatized the hell out of me” after we have our final break-and-block… so now I’m assuming my overflowing cup of trauma is now spilling into nearby peoples cups.
So I put 2+2 together about why I regularly saw The Hat Man in my young childhood, and I started working with the God Hades about 3 years ago. I don’t know if it’s because I can use my bad energy to do the right thing OR if it’s just the pathway that will lead me to a Demon who needs some bad vibes & we can benefit each other. But I’ve also been working with Angels, Gods & Earth-Dwellers: Living & Dead but none of them do a good job at relieving my problems/bad vibes… I’ve tried several gods for help but nothing works. For 4 years now & take it from me is not an easy job. I was used to a living hell, but I needed some kind of guidance from underworld beings if I’d have any hope of getting far in my mental health battle. He was a repetitive reminder that was enough of a pattern to remember & wonder “why do I have this same dream???”
I’m 30 years old now & I still think “Why the fuck does everyone else get bad vibes from him?” When he was in my dreams, everything was still for what seemed like 15 minutes, (no thoughts, no yelling, no worries, no stress just a perfect nothingness for that dream space. A little break from my living Hell. To me The Hat Man was safe, home to me, and a friend who would make me happy every time he returned.